Regulation method

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Reducing Barriers to Communication

Communication barriers can lead to frustration, anger, and self-doubt, causing a breakdown in relationships. Feeling invalidated and mis-attuned creates a barrier itself; it’s the non-alignment forming a reluctance to converse. Productive communication creates opportunities to have honest and transparent learning experiences, supporting child development and behaviours. 

Before breaking down the kind of barriers that can obstruct the intention behind the communication, let’s explore some evidence-based research to give it purpose.

Sequence of Engagement 

Dr Bruce Perry explains when a child is dysregulated (in distress), their brain requires a specific set of actions to regulate and he calls this, the sequence of engagement. What is important to remember is the sequence of engagement is also occurring for the adult who is trying to co-regulate and therefore preparing as much as possible by reducing communication barriers will support distress behaviours as they occur.   

Starting with the first part of the sequence, 1) regulate yourself to help the child regulate. Raising Children Together Regulation Toolkit has many ideas on how to do this, for example, box breathing to calm the nervous system. 2) Relating to the child by connecting and attuning to their needs and wants. Being present to truly see how they are experiencing the situation. Lastly, 3) As the child moves into their thinking brain, reasoning through reflecting, negotiating, and learning is an opportunity to validate and focus on the strengths to build healthy approaches.

A Summary of Different Barriers and Considerations

The following listed barriers focus on the two lower areas of the brain to regulate and relate, thus increasing the chances of engaging the thinking brain (pre-frontal cortex) to reason and do all the executive function stuff.

Physical Barriers 

The layout of a room is often overlooked when thinking of communication. A space can be inviting, stimulating and calm to encourage regulation forming effective communication. Any barriers to communication such as chaos, or unrelatable messages on walls have the potential to dysregulate, break rapport or increase tension.

It is important a child feels psychologically and physically safe in a space to regulate and relate. Involving children in creating enjoyable, purposeful sensory spaces, and identifying a space with less distraction are a good idea. Are there opportunities for the space to incorporate age-appropriate play, metaphors, or talk through a toy figure?

Alternatively, open. and outdoor spaces can counteract a physical barrier. An adult can use proximity to help a child feel close whilst using the outdoor space to soothe the senses.

Gender Barriers

Everyone is unique. The blend of genetics and experiences forms the characteristics, feelings, and behaviours. Nature and nurture working together to establish gender identity. It is worth watching the clip below before examining some gender barriers to communication.

As language evolves, so can we. Finding the commonality and strengthening the relationship encourages empathy and relatability (the second sequence of engagement) to support children and young people when in distress.

As an illustration, language makes presumptions. “Only girls have long hair” is loaded with preconceptions and is a belief &/or value. For example, the sentence presumes the length of hair is assigned to gender, potentially presumes the child wants to be a particular gender by trying to shame a person to conform to a gender type.

Another example is presuming who one person will love. Traditionally referencing cis-gender, heterosexual relationships (e.g. saying to a girl “when you get a boyfriend”) is a barrier if time hasn’t been taken to know if the person is cis-gender and is heterosexual. To relate to children and young people, how can we develop a language that allows all children and young people to feel accepted with their choices (& explorations) and validated for their unique selves?

Listening, accepting, advocating for their decisions, expressing affection, learning the facts, and ensuring healthy role models are available will support children to feel validated as they explore identity (a self-actualisation stage), keeping lines of communication open.  

Emotional Barriers 

Can you remember a situation where you felt misunderstood, or your feelings were unimportant? What happened to your thoughts about the person or people? How did you behave towards those people? A sense of disconnection is a barrier to communication. Validation and empathy build trust and a willingness (the brain able to reach the pre-frontal cortex aka thinking brain) to communicate.

The moment a toddler begins to cry when a sandwich is cut into quarters instead of half can be exasperating for a parent. After all, it’s the same sarni and will taste the same. A student defiantly refuses to do what the teacher asks, or a teenager becomes angry over a console game that seems disproportionate can create uncertainty for any adult. Firstly, focusing on regulating emotions and secondly validating to relate will keep lines of communication open to move into reasoning, potentially learning how to respond differently – changing a behaviour.

Validating responses are powerful. They are non-judgemental and do not communicate you agree with their behaviour. They regulate and relate through empathy, here are a few examples,

“you sound upset” rather than “don’t be silly, come on, there is nothing to be upset about”,

“I can see you are angry with me” rather than “you have nothing to be angry about, I’m the one who should be angry”,

“I’m sorry that you are feeling scared” rather than “stop making it up, you are still going to bed”.

Acknowledging feelings is an opportunity to learn what the feeling is trying to communicate; and what need is it trying to meet. This in essence is a secure attachment strategy and promotes healthy ways to respond to distress by communicating.

Cultural Barriers

We all wish to belong and have a sense of identity. Usually, this captures our worldview, seeing our surroundings through a lens of our politics, responsibilities, morals, and values. It is common for families and social groups to adopt similar behaviours. Furthermore, a sense of reward, recognition, approval, and inclusion comes from families and communities who behave and communicate similarly.

Primarily, there is value in staying curious and listening to one another as two or more cultures bond. As children and young people explore culture through the arts, education, and social domain, adults have an opportunity to promote reasoning with empathy, acceptance and sharing resources.

Undoubtedly, the interaction between influential adults can reinforce barriers or open lines of communication. Take the Bronfenbrenner mesosystem as an example, role modelling regulation, relating (empathising, attuning, reflection), and using rapport can illustrate rich conversations for children to observe.

The Benefits of Communicating

A healthy relationship is always more enjoyable, imagine someone you like spending time with, they tune into the sequence of engagement and see you for you. Consider how you can authentically be that person for children and young people.

The sea of feelings, subjectivity and worldviews is built on values and beliefs that can be described and chewed over when one can trust, feel safe and accepted. It is an opportunity to open communication to either choose to continue with that view and value or to choose to replace that view and value, thus modifying behaviours.

To recap on some points,

• Self-regulate first to co-regulate,
• Being present by avoiding multi-tasking when regulating, relating, and reasoning,
• Actively listen by not interrupting, especially if they are trying to express their feelings or a narrative. It helps role model healthy behaviours,
• A natural conversation with open questions to regulate and relate and above all, reduce language that is blameful or induces shame,
• Validate their emotions and thought processes. You can always follow up with a question so the child can think some more.

It’s good to end with a poem that sums up barriers to communication.

 

One Final Touch

 

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.

If a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with honesty he learns what truth is.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those around him.

If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live to love and be loved.

(Anonymous)

Michelle x (I’m off to phone a friend)