Regulation

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Defining Behaviour Charts

You can trust raising children together honesty and owning up to biases. Raising Children Together is not a fan of behaviour charts. This article will try to persuade the reader there are other ways to support behaviour.

It is good to start at the beginning and to recognise there are different intentions behind behaviour charts.

The reward chart is traditionally used to build up points after X is completed to gain a reward such as tasty treats, toys, and adventures. A reward chart can persuade a child to practice essential skills through rewards. For example, a teenager receives pocket money for keeping their bedroom tidy, a child is gifted Pokémon cards for putting their dirty socks in the washing basket or a class gains extra playtime if all students abide by the class rules. Reward charts can be successful if the child has the skills to achieve the goals.

A behaviour chart’s purpose is to monitor behaviour and to actively observe and encourage children to maintain positive behaviours and actions. The child moves between positive and negative areas of the chart depending on their actions. If the child remains in a negative area, consequences are outlined such as a reduction in golden time, extra playtime or treats. Some behaviour charts are used to encourage children to express emotions in a pro-social way, and if they succeed, a reward is given.

It is worth reflecting on evidence-based research into behaviour support techniques when considering behaviour charts.

“To change, we need to go beyond behaviour. Allow me to refer to the brilliant Richard Wilkins once again. He puts it thus: ‘You don’t change the tide by standing in the ocean. To change the tide, you need to go to the moon.’ Basically, you don’t change behaviour at the level of behaviour. We need to change people’s belief systems.” P105, The Art of Being Brilliant, by Andy Cope & Andy Whittaker

 This quote miraculously explains two things at once. A child’s behaviour is much deeper than the actions we see. And what is the adult’s belief system about responding to children’s behaviour? If you were to encourage restoratively repairing any damage that behaviour does, can you consider how you want children to experience you? Do you see the benefit of validating the meaning behind the behaviour? Here are some approaches to choose from.

All Behaviour has Meaning

Because all behaviour has meaning, it’s useful to dig around to see what that meaning is about. For example, a teenager returns home late often. With patience, and taking the opportunity when the time is right, we learn, they have fallen in love and want to spend as much time as possible with the person. Or a toddler keeps throwing food. By observing their actions, you notice they are curious about gravity and landing (splat or bounce).

Remember a time when you were totally in love or totally curious about something? It’s very motivating, especially if hormones are driving the behaviour even further. The meaning gives context and room for empathy and negotiation, to think of replacement strategies.

What Are Distress Behaviours?

When someone feels a threat, danger or overwhelmed their brain activates the nervous system. This means the thinking brain lowers its function, handing over to other parts of the brain to prepare for a fight, flight, or freeze response. Their nervous system will orchestrate an automatic response which is a set of actions and behaviours until it no longer feels overwhelmed, threatened or in danger.

Think of a time when you were overwhelmed or felt a threat? How did you behave? Warning! this next sentence is provoking – would you have liked someone to judge that behaviour (from a set of values) and place your name on a chart?

When considering behaviour charts it is important to identify if the child is in distress because they are using the automated responses, they have been taught to feel calm again. If there is a need to have a chart, could you reflect on a reward chart that focuses on the positive behaviours used when calm to reinforce ‘this behaviour’ is healthy and can be used in distress?

The Window of Tolerance

The window of tolerance helps describe when in the window, a person is calm, alert, and focused. They can learn many things and regulate, thus building resilience to experiences. Leaving the window of tolerance means things are becoming stressful and it is a priority to regulate to return to the window. Learning skills, experiencing situations, and practising regulating when in distress will widen the window of tolerance so as we develop and grow, we can tolerate more. Imagine your younger self having the responsibilities you have now… for most of us this would have been overwhelming.

As an illustration, stacking blocks, learning to read, using a washing machine, and cooking a meal is now doable for most adults and at one point would have needed full concentration. It also would have felt overwhelming when it didn’t go to plan. In these examples, do you think a reward chart would motivate a child to enhance skills? If the child was in distress, would they be motivated by the reward, or would it increase stress?

Dr Bruce Perry, professor of psychiatry and behavioural sciences, eloquently describes neuroscience and what is the intention behind classroom discipline. 

How to Support Distress Behaviours

All children need space and time to learn to self-regulate their feelings. Firstly, they need an opportunity to practice identifying their feelings and try out ways to help calm down. It is easier to co-regulate a child who is displaying aggressive behaviours rather when a child is being defiant. We see this as the child is choosing to behave this way, and sometimes they might be, and sometimes the defiance is communicating they are in distress. Additionally, they need a role model to guide them by co-regulating until they can self-regulate.

 There are areas to consider that can support developing self-regulation skills whilst co-regulating.

The Surroundings

The surroundings can help or hinder a child as they display distress behaviours. Reducing sensory stimulus can help a brain deactivate a fight or flight response. For example, reducing sound (including how many people are talking), increasing cool air, and asking bystanders to give some space or leave the area to lessen distraction. It is particularly important to listen and respond to the child. For example, some children like an enclosed space, like a tent to calm down. Other children like to be left alone, while others need to be close.

Staying Close

Another way we can develop healthy ways to respond to distress is by using proximity. Just being in the same room or sitting next to children can change the mood of a situation. An 8yo starts to become stressed trying to fix two cars together in a science experiment. The adult sits next to them, offers encouraging words, and distracts them from their immediate frustrations whilst the child returns to their window of tolerance.

Validating Feelings

Validating feelings is the most simple and effective way to help calm distress behaviours. Acknowledging and believing their feelings is comforting. The child will notice your empathy, so it lessens the intensity of the stress. Validation sentences to recognise feelings can look like

• “I can see that you are angry”,
• “If I got a text like that, I would be upset too”,
• “I’m sorry the decision made you feel this angry”,
• “You look sad about what was said”,
• “I’m sorry that you feel scared”.

Routines and Predictability

Routines feel safe and comfortable, and the sequence of actions, such as mealtimes or school timetables, means the brain can use their autopilot.

Adults who are predictable can ease a child’s anxiety, fear, or worry. A child who is feeling stressed wants a predictable, calm, and present adult. Foreseeing the adult’s reactions is soothing and generates a sense of safety. The predictable adult behaviours are the same behaviours the child will learn to use to self-regulate.

The Benefits of Supporting Distress Behaviours

This is a good time to define the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt can provoke a feeling of remorse, regret, or sadness about a specific behaviour. Guilt has the potential to repair a relationship or learn a different way (behaviour) to respond to a situation. It can support personal growth. On the other hand, shame is unpleasant, and humiliating, and relates to the whole self. If there is chronic shame it can imply ‘self’ is fundamentally flawed. The inner critic can attach a no-value and worthless mentality. The benefits of quality co-regulation encapsulate being shame-sensitive.

To recap, feeling guilty when saying something hurtful can help someone learn to think of what words to use. Feeling guilty when breaking a family, school or social ‘rule’ can help a person to learn how to live pro-socially in a community, society, or culture. Shame can damage how a person thinks about themselves and develop shame behaviours such as

• Attack self,
• Attack others,
• Withdrawal or avoid,
• Compensate

If behaviour charts are being used – are they shame-inducing or shame-sensitive? The aim is to decrease the risk of shame behaviours. We want to avoid flaming the fire of challenging (distress) behaviours even further and reduce the risk of shame behaviours becoming an automatic, learnt response.

Replace Behaviour Chart with Restorative Practice

Restorative Practice is about building and maintaining healthy relationships and is not the easy way out. The language and conversations challenge the behaviour by using supportive methods to develop skills. A person could feel guilty when being challenged to feel motivated to learn something different and doesn’t feel shame because the challenge is done by maintaining a healthy relationship. Restorative practice questions can identify what needs changing without adding shame. Questions such as

• What did you think about when the situation happened?
• How did it make you feel?
• Can you describe what happened?
• Has this experience affected you in any way?
• How could the situation have been dealt with differently?
• How can things be put right now?
• How do you feel now?

These useful questions are skill-building, effectively looking at what can be changed. Furthermore, using restorative practice reduces the drive to blame. It focuses on healing from the event/behaviours and how to reduce the behaviour occurring again. Brene Brown’s video below, wittingly explains the process of blame.

Finally

There are some interesting alternatives to replace a behaviour chart. And if you still would like some form of a chart, you could consider a reward chart that,

• Considers distress behaviours,
• Uses restorative practice questions,
• Reward behaviours you want to see and are age-appropriate and achievable,
• Goals use positive statements e.g. ‘kind hands are gentle’, or ‘ask permission to X’,
• The child understands the objective. What does a clean room mean? 
• Outcomes can be linked to feelings and how adults can help. For instance, “When you feel angry, you will tell dad or teacher who will help you figure it out”,
• Rewards need to be thoughtful. A treat or toy as a reward can become stressful if the child doesn’t reach the outcome in a short period.

Lastly, imagine you are overwhelmed and swearing a lot. A friend you knew would listen, co-regulates by validating your feelings. They find a quiet comfy spot where you have a rant whilst they listen. They make a cuppa to talk some more. How would you rate that friend?  

Michelle x (I’m off to mow the lawn)