beyond survival

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The Need to Feel Safe

It’s easy to describe physical safety as it is to understand it. A person instinctively keeps a safe distance from a barking and snarling dog. Picture a child climbing a rock face or walking close to the edge of a cliff – does your heart beat a little faster, your legs feel wobbly (giddy kipper leg), or you feel slightly dizzy or nauseous? These unconscious physical reactions are your brain and body trying to keep safe… everyone recognises these survival behaviours. Because it is easy to identify physical safety, the rest of the article will focus on psychological safety.

Now, imagine you’re exhausted. Your phone is ringing from a loved one, you’re trying to prepare dinner, the dog wants a wee, and the kids are arguing. You’re taking the chips (or baked beetroot) out of the oven, knocking the metal rack, burning your hand. You curse, hold back the rage to shout at the kids, slam the phone, hoping it will stop ringing, and toss the hot dish on the sideboard. At least the dog has stopped barking… until you notice they no longer need a wee! 

Some people may bounce back from the weekly occurrence, and some may not. The accumulation of events becomes overwhelming. These situations aren’t life-threatening and yet sometimes, when it all feels a bit much, your brain and body can feel unsafe with so much ambiguity, complexity, and uncertainty. This is when our learned responses to stress (perceived as threatening or dangerous) will kick in.

Feeling safe is fundamental to well-being. The brain can only hang around in the pre-frontal cortex, to think, learn, risk assess, and empathise if it feels safe. On the surface, to be and feel safe looks simple enough. Like any good cake, the layers of ingredients are what make it taste so good. The layers of feeling safe are complex, and how one person feels safe will look different to another person. We are unique 😁

Early Connections

We know early connections build meaningful relationships and positively impact a person’s psychological safety. Being totally present and being heard resonates, developing interpersonal connections. It’s the serve and return communication between two people. Imagine how powerful that is for a child who sees themselves through the lens of how their influential adults see them. Even more powerful, this stuff helps to shape a brain. 

“No kidding – the experiences you provide in terms of your relationships with your child will literally mold the physical structure of her brain.” P8, The Power of Showing Up. Daniel J. Seigel & Tina Payne Bryson  

Seeking Safety

Feeling a sense of safety is a key function of developing secure attachment strategies. Doesn’t it feel amazing when you notice a feeling, pause, to decide a healthy way to respond to that feeling in a situation? Dr Patricia Crittenden explains when a child feels distressed, they seek safety. Remember, we are complex creatures, and so it is from their perception, not from our perception (which to be fair has a few more skills and life experiences to draw upon) that deems their sense of safety. To seek safety, we have a couple of options; to use a secure base and respond accordingly, to fight by becoming verbally or physically aggressive, to flight by running away, to freeze on the spot, to flop by giving in, to flock by going with the flow and conforming to the group actions.

Seeking safety can look like any of the following,

• Baby is crying (fight response) for attention in the night when they can’t see a parent – their secure base, 
• An infant is unsure of the climbing frame and seeks their dad for assurance (secure base response),
• A child hides (flight response) behind an adult’s leg when a stranger approaches,
• A child looks coy and droops (flop response) when another child is shouting at them,
• A student refuses to participate (freeze response), just in case they get it wrong,
• A student is rude in class (fight response), so they can visit (achieving flight) their learning mentor in the homely room, 
• Teenager refuses to go to school (flight response) because their friendship group is arguing on social media.

Most people look for help to co-regulate. In fact, children are designed to seek help from caregivers and influential adults to learn how to respond, and this is where children can learn healthy responses. The connection with a nurturing adult (interpersonal neurobiology) supports a child’s sense of safety… that secure base gives them (unconsciously) the confidence to learn how to… respond to feelings / write their name / figure out the Math equation etc. 

“Interpersonal neurobiology looks at how our mind – including our feelings and thoughts, our attention and awareness- and our brain and the whole body are deeply interwoven with our relationships with one another and the world around us to shape who we are.” P7, The Power of Showing Up. Daniel J. Seigel & Tina Payne Bryson  

 Why Does the Child Need to Feel Safe

 Feeling a sense of safety (physically, emotionally, and relationally) is crucial to child development. It propels healthy attachment and personal growth in the 5 development domains. Before any learning can occur, a person will instinctively need to feel safe.

Take a moment to imagine a baby first feeling the sensation of being hungry, not knowing how to fix it. The innate, primitive risk of not being fed is dangerous to our survival. The baby cries, hoping their parent will respond. The attentive and attuned parent responds positively. The baby learns hungry sensations are not a threat because, in this nurturing home, their need is met, by being fed. They learn to trust the nurturing adult.

Consider a teenager who is worried about how they look. The perceived threat is being laughed at or bullied. The attuned, nurturing adult responds positively, reassuring and coaching the teenager on how to respond until they deem it is no longer a threat. 

The nurturing adult can focus on the underlying feelings to build strategies on how to respond to those feelings rather than focusing on changing the behaviour, potentially masking the underlying cause.

 A Story to Set the Scene

Let’s look at this information through a situation.

Ishan walks into the room and is looking worried. They are looking around the room, and you sense they are bubbling, they are on edge. You want to know why because you are excellent at problem-solving. You also want to get on with the day, and you’re conscious of the time and your to-do list. Do you… 

How do you want the child to experience you in times of stress? A person who is predictable, calm, alert, and focused? A person who validates their feelings without judgment? A secure base? A person who can co-regulate. The two scenarios above have subtle differences. A child who already has secure attachment strategies may be able to be flexible in their communication with an adult. A child who has experienced adversities will be more hypervigilant about those subtle differences.

Feeling Safe Helps Thinking Function

Children are born ready to learn. In the first year, the brain grows approx. 70% of its adult size. What the brain is exposed to makes a huge difference in its development. At first, a baby’s brain will ensure survival. Once survival and safety needs are met, it moves on to learning. It is an endless list of what the brain must learn. From walking, eating with utensils, talking, learning about gravity (by throwing and seeing where it lands), dealing with emotions through regulation, dressing, reading, cooking, driving a car, managing finances, or even learning about neuroscience.

Being and feeling safe means we can invent technology, transport, running water, heating systems, or health care. A sense of safety allows the thinking part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) to take centre stage, practising skills such as risk assessment and empathising.

Furthermore, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs demonstrates accepting love and offering care, learning where we belong and identifying esteem needs, and right at the top of the pyramid – to reach our full potential by figuring out values, aspirations, sense of purpose, and clarity, we first need to be and feel safe. To say it again – the layers are complex, understanding a person who hangs about in their self-actualisation and has a sense of purpose supports positive mental health so it’s well worth the effort to support the need to feel safe.

Approaches to Meet the Child’s Needs

Adults generally parent how they were cared for, generating family and community cultures. The layers for colleagues continue how they were parented (and how they parent), how they are trained and how the organisation culture creates how they practice. Generally speaking, a multi-layer approach that is inclusive gives depth and flexibility to support children and young people and should be celebrated and appreciated. Reflecting on what approach is working for that specific child is an opportunity to be child-centred, supporting them to feel safe, and receive comfort, proximity, and predictability that increases resilience and positive responses in life events.

To help be child-centred, you could hold internal thoughts and judgments by practising regulation techniques such as breathing or distraction. And you can focus on what will help the child respond to the situation. For example, which sentences will help calm a child or young person down?

“You’re just being silly”

“How can I help you”

“Stop it now, and just get on with it”

“I’m sorry you are finding this hard”

“We don’t have time for this now, but I will talk to you later”

“I can see you’re angry”

It is vital to take time for oneself, accept emotional responses, and reflect on decisions, replacing unhealthy strategies with healthy ones takes time and energy.

Nighttime Shenanigans

It’s been a difficult decision to include this next section as this article is long enough. It’s such an important topic with many debates. Should a child be left to self-soothe at night?

Consider that it’s been a stressful day and you haven’t had much sleep all week. It’s 3 am, and you hear your oldest child cry your name. You want to hide under the covers and pretend you’re childless and having the best night’s sleep ever, and then you hear another cry out.

You grapple with the quilt, throwing it off grumpily, and stomp into your child’s room like an elephant. You sternly ask what the matter is, and your teary child whispers they’re scared and that you’re not helping. You see their face – they look so vulnerable and horror-struck.

Nighttime shenanigans and nightmares are common in children between 3-6yrs. As they lay in bed, their erratic thoughts overtake generating fear, distress, and anxiety. Being scared of trees and houses may seem utterly bizarre to an adult, but to them, it is real. Some children fear the dark even in the daytime, avoiding shadows at all costs. It can be frustrating for parents when the fear doesn’t make sense, or it’s the 5th time they’ve woken you up.

Nightmares happen when the brain is very active, processing the day’s events. The images are strong and feel very real. Events such as Halloween can exasperate nightmares.

Returning to the theme, the need to feel safe and picking up on how you want your child to perceive you, what do you think your child needs when they call your name at 3 am?

Perception is key, and we don’t need to blame ourselves for how our children think and feel. Validate the feelings and work with them… just keep on swimming.

This article is long enough, and it does not even pick up on how to support children who have experienced a stressful or traumatic event that leaves the child feeling unsafe. The event is over, and yet its effect is lingering. With this in mind, I’m going to end with a Ted Talk that describes how to help children process traumatic events. 

Michelle x (I’m off to stretch my back)